Saturday

Morning at the Camdens. Everyone is dressed in school colors. Lucy doesn't want her parents kissing in front of her friends. Eric takes the opportunity to tell Lucy not to be kissing boys. Geez, one track mind that man. Simon and Ruthie are trying to bring their own snacks to the game.

Matt reveals he's got a job, and will meet them at the game. He's tutoring a girl in English. His siblings show way too much interest in his personal life.

Mary comes in, and rolls her eyes at her family's encouragement. She asks them not to come to her game, and they are shocked. Mary you were so awesome two episodes ago, don't blow it now!

Lucy takes the disinvitation personally, and Mary explains that her family makes her nervous and distracted. Lucy's really worried about looking stupid in front of the friend she invited. They compare stories about feeling out of place.

Simon and Ruthie are whining about not going. Well, actually Simon is complaining and Ruthie is agreeing with him. They decide to play detective.

Eric is giving Matt crap about shaving. Eric is way too excited to be going to the store with Annie. Mary needs the restroom, and Eric and Matt start bombarding her with advice.

Lucy asks Annie to make Mary let her go to the game. Annie tells her she's baby-sitting instead. Lucy does not want to make her friend baby-sit her younger siblings. Lucy can't believe Annie is letting Eric grocery shop with her. She's really whiny in this scene. Annie responds to her torment with sarcasm.

Matt arrives at his tutoring job. The dad is way too excited to see him, and over shares about how many times the girl changed her outfit. Clearly, this girl is desparate.

Simon and Ruthie are playing detective. Ruthie isn't playing by Simon's rules.

Lucy's friend, Ahsley, shows up. She's played by Jackie from that 70s show. Ashley gives her crap about her outfit, and Lucy reveals that they're not going to the game. Ashley is a brat. She decides to hang out when Lucy promises they can call boys.

Eric and Annie leave for the store. As they leave, Simon and Ruthie are sitting outside, and Lucy is no where in sight. Way to make sure your kids are being looked after Camdens!

Simon and Ruthie decide to pretend the mailman is their criminal, and follow him as he delivers the mail. They take Happy and leave. Lucy doesn't notice.

Eric and Annie shop. Annie pretends she's not upset about Mary. She's not putting any of her produce in bags. That seems strange.

Simon and Ruthie are still following the mailman.

Annie is now venting about Mary. She admits to having been a constant support to Mary since she was seven years old. What happened during the first six years of Mary's life? No wonder she had a downward spiral in seasons 4-6! Eric diminishes his wife's feelings by making jokes.

They spot a boy who is clearly a troubled teen. Eric apparently got him into drug rehab a month ago. They watch him steal a watch. Eric follows him out of the store and interferes with the security guard who is busting him. The guard complies. Just what kind of connections does the reverend have in this town? Cops know when his kids are grounded. Security guards let shop lifters off. Weird. He makes the poor kid play pool with him. Shoulda taken your chances with the security guard, kid.

School. Mary and her team arrive. Mary reveals that she uninvited her family and her teammates give her a hardtime about it. She calls home to reinvite her family, but the line is busy.

Because Lucy and her friend are on the phone. Lucy is talking to Jimmy Moon, trying to find out if his friend likes Ashley. Jimmy, not knowing Ashley is on the phone, says his friend thinks she talks to much and is boring. Ashley storms out. Jimmy is confused.

Lucy finally realizes that Simon and Ruthie aren't home. Somewhere in Connecticut Kristy Thomas' head just exploded upon hearing of such terrible baby-sitting. Lucy leaves the house to look for them.

Billiard Club. Eric is on the phone with Annie. She's surprised that no one's home. They think the kids snuck to the game, so Annie goes to check. Eric and the kid play pool. Kid doesn't want to talk about rehab. Some other loser kid comes over to tell him about some drug deal. Eric busts the kid for skipping out of rehab. Apparently, he made some arrangement to keep the kid out of juvie if he completes a rehab program. Isn't that a better job for the kid's lawyer? The kid doesn't want Eric's help.

Simon and Ruthie are still following the mailman. They realize that they don't know where they are. Simon tries to figure out which way to go. Ruthie doubts his assurance that everything is fine.

Eric goes to talk to the kid's parents. They PSA about drug abuse for awhile. Eric starts to get paranoid about his own kids.

Matt is tutoring. She wants him to read Romeo's lines to help her better understand Shakespeare. Then she leaps on him, kissing him liek the desparate girl she is just in time for her father to walk in with snacks. She runs away, and her father wants to have a word. He gives Matt permission to date his daughter, saying she's as attractive as her mother. Matt quits, and the father's demeanor shifts to threatening as he fires Matt. These people are creepy.

Lucy is running around the neighborhood trying to find her younger siblings.

Mary's game. The pointguard, Cory, seems to have a problem with her.

Simon and Ruthie flag down a cop to help them get home. It's the first appearance of Sargent Michaels! He agrees to take the kids home.

Annie arrives at the game. Cory won't pass to Mary.

No one is home at the Camden's so Sargent Michaels takes them to game to see if the family is there.

Eric confronts the rehab-ditching kid in a bag alley. The kid says it's just pot. Apparently it is only pot, because Eric doesn't list any other drugs when he starts listing all the ways its ruined this kids life. All this trouble for pot? In 1996? The kid doesn't want anyone's help. Eric predicts that he won't survive long on the streets.

The game. Cory still won't pass Mary the ball. Matt shows up to watch the game. Annie gives Matt crap for losing his job.

Eric arrives at the school at the same time as Simon and Ruthie. They tell him about wandering off. They all decide to watch the end of the game. Now, I know Mary changed her mind, but her family doesn't know that. They're just blatantly disrespecting her request.
Cory finally passes Mary the ball and her team wins the game. Yea!

Lucy's home alone, worried about what happens when her parents find out she lost Simon and Ruthie. She doesn't seem to concerned about Simon and Ruthie. If kids I were baby-sitting were missing for that long, I'd have called the police.

The whole family arrives home, and Lucy is upset that she's the only Camden to have missed the game. She feels left out. And it's lectures for everyone. No punishments are distributed. Annie is annoyed. Apparently, their system is for Eric to punish the kids and Annie to be a haven of support. Seems like they'd do better as a united front. Annie sends him up to punish them.

Matt comes in and explains why he lost his job. Annie laughs at him, and orders Eric to punish him. Eric and Matt talk about drugs. Matt's not interested in drugs because apparently Eric shares the stories of drug addicts he's counseling with his kids. Um, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to keep that information confidential Reverend.

Eric asks Matt if he thinks any of the other kids might be interested in drugs. Matt rules out Mary because she's into sports. Not sure that holds true, Matt. A lot of kids on teams feel pressure to fit in with the team. Matt thinks Lucy is the only Camden at risk for drugs because she always feels left out. Eric decides to talk to her.

Mary and Lucy talk about the game. Lucy is feeling left out, especially after Eric reveals that everyone ate at Mary's game. He invites her out to dinner, and she offers to baby-sit every weekend for the next three weeks. Eric takes her up on it. If Lucy were my kid, I'd wait along time before letting her baby-sit again.

Matt helps Annie unpack the groceries she left on the counter before she headed to the basketball game. I hope it's nothing that required refrigeration. She reveals that Eric had a lot of trouble keeping a job when he was younger.

Eric comes up to punish Simon and Ruthie. Simon tries to get out of church as his punishment. Eric throws in an anti-drug PSA. His four year old daughter has a little trouble with the concept. They remain unpunished.

Annie gives the family dog an anti-drug PSA to make sure that the dog doesn't feel as left out as Lucy. I think she's lost her mind. Happy is smart enough not to eat Annie's cooking.

Eric is having trouble figuring out a punishment for Simon and Ruthie. Annie tries to get him fired up by telling him they lost his binoculars. Matt suggests Eric tell them the story about how he used them to watch sorority girls while he was in seminary. Yes, apparently the good reverend was a peeping tom while studying to do the Lord's work. Annie decides they don't need the binoculars back.

Eric and Lucy have dinner. She's talking his ear off and he looks bored, but he is listening. Lucy is surprised that he's actually listening. That's sad. None of Lucy's friends do drugs.

Mary made her mom popcorn to apologize about the univitation. The family is allowed at all future games.

Eric and Lucy return. Mary gets the same anti-drug PSA the rest of the Camden kids got.

Eric can't believe how boring his daughter is. That's just mean. Annie wants to "go to bed early," but the doorbell rings. It's the pothead from earlier. He's pretty banged up, and asks Eric to help him, validating the Reverend's nosy behavior for years to come.


Moral of the story: Drugs are bad, m'kay!

Pilot: Any Way You Want It

The very first episode, where we are introduced to the Camdens. Who knew then that this was the beginning of the longest running family drama? Seriously, I still can't believe this show lasted eleven years!

We open with Annie and Erik in bed, totally about to get it on. All of the kids come interupting to the room youngest to oldest. Matt, the oldest son, gets everybody leave. He gives his parents a knowing nod, which is a little icky, though not as icky as what happens later in the episode. The cast looks so young in 1996.

The Camden parents open a bottle of wine (unheard of in later seasons) though the liquid in the glasses looks more like water. Maybe the Reverend has the power to turn wine into water. That seems like a pretty lame power to have.

Dinner gives the writers a chance to set up the family dynamic and the various subplots for all the siblings. Matt is avoiding his father. Mary wants an older boyfriend. Simon wants a dog. Lucy is a hormonal mess, and wants to be treated like an adult. I know it's been said before but, Ruthie looks like she's adopted. Either that or Annie has a secret. Lucy storms up to her room without eating after her father notices how adult she seems to be. Best way to prove maturity-- throw a hissy fit.

Cut to Eric clearing the table and Annie fixing something under the kitchen sink. They explain Annie's vast array of skills in home repair as 'pregnancy projects.' Eric joins her under the sink and Simon catches them making out, commenting, "A dog is a lot less trouble than a baby." Ew. These kids seem far too aware of their parents' sex life. Simon would rather talk to Annie, which leaves Eric free to discuss puberty with his middle daughter. Not sure why they can't both talk to Simon and then have the mother talk to Lucy. Cause when I was thirteen, the last person I wanted to discuss menstration with was my father.

Eric catches Ruthie and Lucy standing on their heads, trying to become women (Mary told her this would jump start her period) and Lucy once again freaks and runs out of the room. There should be a drinking game around that. She does it a lot. She locks her self in the bathroom, so Eric has this awkward conversation with the bathroom door, wherein he reveals that he once bought anatomically correct dolls for her and tries to casually ask if she's gotten her period yet. Lucy throws a hairbrush at the door and screams at him to go away. Anyone getting the idea that Lucy is a little emotional?

Simon tries the hard sell on his mom to get a dog. He's trying to be clever about it, but it's clear Annie is not budging.

And beginning on of the more uncomfortable scenes in television history, Matt is smoking while Mary practices basketball. Matt is an idiot who thinks breath spray will ensure his parents don't find out.

Mary wants to talk to her brother about guys. She feels too tall to date guys her own age. She reveals she's never been kissed, due to this height thing. Apparently, Mary thinks the best person to practice on is her older brother. He looks shocked and then intrigued. Ewww!

Annie's parents are coming to town. And Simon is still not getting a dog. Unless one happens to wander into their yard. Hmm, I guess the family will have a dog by the end of the episode.

Matt and Mary get way to close, nearly kissing. Eric catches them and is suitably freaked out. Again, eww. Doesn't Mary have friends she can get advice from. Who goes to their brother to get advice about how to kiss? To the point of practicing on him?

Annie tries to talk periods with Lucy. She finds her hiding in her closet, worrying about being the only one in her class without hers. Annie quotes the Bible at her, but Lucy doesn't feel better.

Matt loses at pool with his father, which means Eric can reveal that he knows Matt is smoking. Matt is still an idiot. Eric gets him a job to help him afford his cigarrettes, since he's withholding allowance. It is also revealed that Matt has stopped coming to church, and that Eric thinks Matt should cut his hair.

TV church always has people singing Amazing Grace. Simon still wants a dog. Ruthie is still in the show. Matt joins his family at church. Eric quotes the same verse as Annie during his sermon and Lucy freaks and runs out the room. Drink.

Annie talks Eric out of continuing to try to talk to Lucy about puberty. She also points out that Lucy is very different than Mary and that Eric's dream is to have his daughters ask him to buy their tampons. Weird. And ew.

The girls go jogging and exposit that the family doesn't own the house-- they live in a rectory. They run into Matt's friend Jeff (literally) and it's clear that this is the guy Mary wants to kiss. Far more appropriate than her brother. They make a date to play basketball.

Lucy drops a tampon and run away. Drink

Simon is still waiting for a dog. Kid's obsessed.

Eric blackmails Matt into attending church for six months if he loses this job and Matt reveals that Mary is getting interested in boys. Her father and brother are way overprotective, Annie wants to let Mary date older guys.

Lucy has a crush on Prince Charles. Weird. I mean in 1996 everyone I knew had a crush on Prince William. No one had a crush on his father.

Jeff drops by to talk to Matt. Lucy freaks and runs away (drink). Matt doesn't want Jeff dating his sister.

Mary finds out that she can date older guys and takes a page out of Lucy's book-- she's freaks out and runs out of the room. I would have thought she'd be pleased to ba able to date Matt's friends. (Great improvement over kissing her brother).

Matt shows up at his job to find Mrs. Peacock with an oxygen tank, desperatley trying to find her cigarrettes. (The characters name is Mrs. Bink, but she played Mrs. Peacock in Clue, so that is what I am calling her).I wonder if there's a lesson in here for Matt.

Lucy gets her period. And asks her dad to buy her tampons. I'd think she could just borrow some from her mom or older sister. At least one of Eric's dreams has been realized. He suggests that Lucy, Annie and Mary go out for dinner the next night to celebrate. That was actually sweet.


Eric's attempt to explain to Simon that prayer is not an atm machine for our wishes is undermined by a dag appearing in the yard. As per their earlier agreement, Simon gets to keep it. Annie went to the pound and got sucked in. Simon's faith in God is renewed.

Matt doesn't want Mary to date his friends and she assaults him.

Matt has lost his Job and Mrs. Peacock isn't really on a respirator. Sneaky Reverend.
Eric also overreacts at the thought of his daughter's crush on Matt's friend. He and Matt watch Mary play basketball with a sixteen year old they've both known for years.

Simon and Ruthie try to train their new dog. Someone probably thought it would be cute for the youngest Camden to pretend to be a dog.

Matt asks Mary not to date his friend for a month. Mary respond to Matt like he has the right to parent her, thus setting up Matt's inappropriate involvement in his sisters' personal lives.

Annie doesn't want to have sex with her husband in her home while her parents are in town. Is it normal to still be discussing this when you've been married for almost twenty years?

Eric and Annie have a fight about their kids. They feel like they are not communicating about the kids. Especially when Eric reveals that Matt went to pick up the grandparents at the airport. Annie wants them to get on the same page.

Dinner with the grandparents. Grandma is being extra generous with presents. Suspiciously so. Clearly something is wrong. Annie sends Matt out of the room so the adults can talk. One of the few times that Matt gets lumped in with his siblings.
Grandma has cancer. She doesn't want treatment. Annie is upset that they don't want to try the treatment. It's a pretty moving scene.

The dog is named Happy. Ruthie's idea. Matt psychically intuits that Happy is pregnant. Seriously, how on earth did he figure that out?

The show closes with everyone playing with the new dog in the front yard. Aww.

Other Ideas:
Not a bad start. A lot of exposition, but the characters are just being introduced.
Still creeped out that Mary wanted to kiss her brother.

May reformat for the next episode and recap each subplot separately. It might make more sense than going back and forth.