Says Who?

We open with Eric struggling to prepare sack lunches for his brood. This doesn't seem complicated, but he is certainly having quite a bit of trouble. He hasn't even tied his tie, and he's wearing his reading glasses to aid his concentration. Simon comes down to brush his teeth in the kitchen sink. Ew.

Eric wonders if everything is okay upstairs. Ruthie has locked herself in the bathroom, meaning no one else can get ready for school. The downside of large families sharing one bathroom.

Eric apparently having given up on the lunches, picks up the newspaper, so that Simon can ask him about a well-placed headline. This one being about the Heaven's Gate cult. Which was actually current in 1997. This isn't gonna be pretty, this show rarely does 'topical' well.

Eric tries to explain about cults, but Simon thinks he's talking about church. Which considering how the Camdens end up running things in Glen Oak seems apt. Eric disagrees with me though. He says that cults isolate members, which the church doesn't do. He goes on to say that the church still has room for people who don't share all their views, unless that person is Mary Seasons 5-11.

Simon's still more interested about the mass suicide thing, and Eric realizes that he's out of his depth, so he decides to encourage Simon to play mind games with his siblings to see if he can figure it out on his own. That couldn't possibly go wrong. (Interestingly, Eric thinks Ruthie should be exempt from the experiment, citing her young age.)

Matt wanders in and Simon oh-so-subtly thinks Matt looks taller. Simon says that he must be shrinking. Matt looks confused. Credits.

Lunch at the high school. Matt, Lucy and Mary are all eating together, like normal teenagers who hang out with siblings at school. Lucy realizes that Eric packed the lunches when she pulls a cork screw out of her paper sack. Seriously. A freaking corkscrew.

Attention is diverted when a friend notes that some girl at another table is clearly headed to the rest room to purge. The girl they gossip about gets a name (Shelby), but friend doesn't. Word is that Shelby is bulimic, because she barely eats anything and rushes to the bathroom after every meal. Except that if I remember 8th grade health class, bulimics tend to binge on large quantities of food, and the throw up. Matt gets bored and leaves. Mary is skeptical as well, but decides to argue with the friend. Lucy comes up with a plan to find out if Shelby is actually bulimic or not. Mary makes indicating that this plan is stupid. She's not wrong.

Scene change. Eric and Mrs. Peacock (yea!) are headed to a retirement home. Mrs. Peacock is upset because Mrs. Hinkle has put her house up for sale, and has moved into this place. Eric pretends to be shocked that Mrs. Peacock stole the official change of address card, but you know he's making mental notes on how better to stalk the community. Mrs. Peacock thinks that her children have forced into the place and thinks she's being held hostage. Hee.
They head to the front desk to see if they can visit Mrs. Hinkle. The desk is unhelpful, honoring Mrs. Hinkle's request that she not be disturb. Clearly they must be evil. Or simply professional. I crack up when Eric tries to use his status as minister to bypass this request, only to be under the guise of respecting their tenant's wishes. Eric asks to leave a note, so the gullible clerk hands him a pad and pen. When Eric hands the note back, he takes the time to note the room number the clerk writes on it. He and Mrs. Peacock sneak down the hallway. Cause Eric respects no one's personal boundaries.

School. Lucy invites Shelby to dinner on the pretense of studying algebra. Shelby accepts the invite. Lucy's friends are impressed that she's going through with her plan. Mary thinks Lucy is an idiot. Lucy tries to spin it like she's being concerned, but Mary says she's just being catty and nosy. Word Mary.

In the Camden's living room, Simon and Ruthie try to convince Matt that he is shrinking by noting that his feet used to reach the floor when sitting on the couch. Matt is confused, then gets frustrated and leaves. Simon and Ruthie dub themselves geniuses. Next.

Kitchen. Lucy and Mary help Annie with dinner. Lucy asks permission to have her friend over. Simon can't reach the glasses and everyone looks at him like he's weird. Mary gets the glass for him.

Living room. Matt goes back to check the couch cushions. Cause he's stupid. Simon and Ruthie are excited that Matt's mind is almost theirs but that doesn't strike me as much of an accomplishment.

Church. Eric is on the phone explaining that he didn't actually get to see Mrs. Hinkle. He's waiting to see if she responds to his note before they bust in on her. Annie wants to know what the next step is if Mrs. Hinkle doesn't call. Annie, have you met your husband? What does he usually do when someone doesn't want to see him?

Mrs. Peacock pages Eric and convinces him to sneak into Mrs. Hinkle's retirement home with her. It's a pretty easy sell.

At the retirement home, Mrs. Peacock is imagining the worst. They knock on her door. Mrs. Hinkle answers, looking perfectly fine. Mrs Peacock tells her it was a nice try. Mrs. Hinkle invites them in. She gives them very plausible explanations about why she's selling her house, but Mrs. Peacock isn't buying it, thinking that Mrs. Hinkle's kids convinced her to move because they wanted the money. Mrs. Hinkle busts them on breaking in. Mrs. Peacock busts her on not telling them the whole story. They leave.

Night at the Camden's. Lucy is claiming that she doesn't have enough self-discipline to be bulimic. So many things wrong with that statement. Mary agrees with me, offering this gem: "You and this conversation have gone way past annoying and into the land of I'm gonna have to kill you if you don't shut up." Hee. I like old school Mary.

Simon is putting lifts in Ruthie's shoes. To make her look taller compared to him. Cause he's playing mind games with his siblings to figure out why people join suicide cults. Annie comes in and asks what they're doing. They explain the situation. Ruthie is creepy. She pretends it makes sense, but refuses to help. Matt overhears. I anticipate more wacky hijinks.

Mrs. Peacock is still whinging about Mrs. Hinkle's move. Eric is trying to calm her down. He tells Mrs. Peacock they have to butt out. I laugh at the hypocrisy. I also laugh when Mrs. Peacock slams her door in Eric's face. Hee. The show needed more of that in the later seasons.

Morning. Eric is complaining that neither Mrs. Peacock or Mrs. Hinkle will talk to him. Eric says a lot that makes me think, pot meet kettle. Especially when he says that it's not okay for Mrs. Peacock to barge in on Mrs. Hinkle everyday until she gives in. Though Eric plans to do that to Mrs. Peacock. Annie suggests he go by Mrs. Hinkle's open house.

Lucy offers Shelby a snack. Shelby asks where the bathroom is.

Lucy proves that she is being catty and nosy by immediately sharing this information with Mary. Annie overhears and wants to know what they're talking about. So Lucy actually tells her. Annie is pretty pissed at her behavior. She tries to bust on Mary, too, but Mary says that she didn't know how to stop it.

Eric arrives at Mrs. Hinkle's open house. He meets her kids. They give the same spiel about why she moved and seem very supportive. Eric's suspicion has been peaked.

Simon and Ruthie are bowling in the hallway. Mary wanders in and asks what's wrong with his pants. She says maybe his legs are shrinking, and Simon looks nervous. Cause he's stupid.

Eric arrives at Mrs. Peacock's house to discuss his suspicions. Her summary of what he's getting at is awesome: "I'm supposed to interupt my day, tag along with you to barge in on my best friend for another chat, just because you said so. Let me get my bag." More Mrs. Peacock, please.

Simon can't reach his clothes. Matt comes in and overacts like Simon is shorter. He believes that Simon is shrinking down to nothingness. Simon now believes that he is shrinking. Cause he's stupid.

Retirement home. Eric suggests that he and Mrs. Peacock should try to be subtle. She agrees and then verbally runs over Mrs. Hinkle when she answers the door. She explains that, "Subtle never really worked" for her. They bust her on lying about her reasons for moving. Mrs. Hinkle admits that her kids are selfish assholes, and are wanting the money from the house sale, as a n early inheritance.

Mrs. Hinkle decides that she doesn't want to sell her house, and notes that the security at her retirement home sucks. Which it does.

Camden's. Simon is whining to Annie about how he's shrinking into nothingness. She figures out that Matt has done something to convince him that he's shrinking. She makes Matt take him to the doctor. Matt is upset that Annie didn't care that Simon was messing with his mind. Annie says that she doubted that Matt would be stupid enough to fall for Simon's tricks. Apparently she doesn't know her children well at all.

Mrs. Hinkle tells her kids that she's not selling and busts her kids for being assholes. Mrs. Peacock offers her pepperspray. They leave. The ladies decide to go for a drink. Eric offers to drive them. Aw.

Dinner. Simon is not shrinking into nothingness. Yea? Shelby is inhaling her food. She excuses herself. Annie follows her. Mary and Lucy look around awkwardly.

Annie asks Shelby if everything's okay. Shelby reveals that she has to brush her teeth after eating to keep her braces clean. She keeps her tooth brush in her pocket, which just seems unsanitary. Her big secret is that her family doesn't have enough to eat, but she'd rather the girls think she has an eating disorder. But I don't understand how a family that can afford orthodontia can't afford food. Annie offers church assistance which is decent of her.

Lucy has learned her lesson about gossip. Aw

Outside. Simon and Matt explain to Eric what happened with the experiment. Eric busts on Matt for messing with Simon's mind. Matt gets it. Everyone agrees no more mind games. Except for when Simon decides to convince Matt that he's going bald. Matt falls for it. Hee.

Thoughts:

I half remember a promo for this episode, claiming that it would show how to talk about suicide cults with your children. Except Eric didn't really do that here. Instead he encouraged his son to play mind games with all his siblings. And that just seems like a terrible way to go about it. Unless Eric was secretly hoping to thin the herd.

Ruthie seemed way to excited at the possibility of controling her siblings minds. Sociopath in training that one.

Lucy, you suck. Shut up.

Eric is the worst minister ever. Like it's any of his business if a parishoner sells her house.

Mrs. Peacock is awesome and needs to be used to make fun of the Camdens at every opportunity.

Up next: Matt runs away from home, and thinks look shaky for Mary and Wilson.

I Love You

We open with Lucy and Annie whining about a project that Lucy has to do for school. It basically involves going to the grocery store and pretending to plan a week of meals. Annie is insisting that Lucy make a list and use fakes coupons for her fake shopping. I suggest that Lucy fake the project to avoid any further discussion. Lucy whines some more instead. Annie is annoyed because she hates to take any of her family with her to the grocery store. Probably because it's her only chance to get away from her family.

Lucy yells a bit, and Annie draws Lucy into a hug and apologizes for being cranky. I'm shocked because Annie hardly ever apologize for her mood swings. But then she creepily chides Lucy for her tone of voice, and all is right with my world. She also drops the first "I love you" of the episode. Let the drinking game begin. Lucy loves her too.

Matt sits in the den, writing a letter. He stupidly wanders out of the room, leaving it on the desk for Simon and Ruthie to read. They pop out from behind a couch, having waited for Matt to finish his letter. Stalking behavior begins early in the Camden family. Simon reads it, mocking Matt's boringness. Ruthie is too young to know Matt is boring and wants Simon to read the whole letter. Simon gets super excited when he notices that Matt signed... "I love you" instead of "love". Mary wanders in to bust them. She tells them that the letter is private and that they shouldn't be reading it. Simon tries to appeal to her Camden genes by offering to let her read the letter. Because Mary is sometimes cool, she declines. But Simon does tell her about the "I love you" causing her to wonder why Wilson hasn't told her that he loves her yet. Cue the wacky plan.

Annie and Lucy are still trying to do Lucy's homework in the kitchen, even though the assignment was to go to the grocery store. Mary wanders down the stairs on her injured knee to ask Annie about her courtship with Eric. Specifically how long it took him to tell her he loved her. She's surprised to hear that Annie is taking Lucy to the store. Annie tells her it took Eric a year. Eric, coming home in the middle of the conversation, tells her he waited until they were married, cause that's healthy. Mary is not amused.

Matt sees Simon and Ruthie still reading his letter. Instead of busting them, he makes a thinking face. Cue the wacky plan.

At the store, Annie doesn't bother to put her produce in bags. That's gonna be fun for the poor clerk to ring up. She suggests that Lucy plan her meals for the whole month, buy in bulk and save money, in order to prepare meals. I don't think I've ever seen Annie do such a thing for her large family. Lucy is unexcited by this, giving Annie a chance to explain how much she loves planning meals for her family, as a spiritual nourishing endeavor. She waxes poetically about the first meal she ever prepared for Eric, and how much she enjoys when he enjoys her cooking. Annie is not a bored housewife. Lucy wants to know what they did after dinner. She looks disappointed when Annie doesn't tell her about the sex.
Annie continues talking about the zen of grocery shopping. Wow.

The two wander into an aisle where a mother is berating her daughter for not doing her homework before she got home. Lucy wisely suggests that they leave, so as not to further embarrass her classmate, Laurie, but Annie decides to butt in. Lucy introduces Annie as her mom, but Laurie's mom rants about how she's a busy woman, what with her working to support her daughter and all. Annie makes one of her many disapproval faces. Annie offers to let Laurie tag along with them. Laurie's mom takes her up on the offer because bad moms don't like grocery shopping and do let their children go off with adults they just met.

Laurie promises not to hold them up, and Lucy, proving that she's already on the way to becoming her mother, tells her they are enjoying the experience. I'm not sure why Lucy has groceries in her cart if they are not actually expected to buy anything.

Back at the house, Ruthie sees Matt writing another letter. Matt sees her watching. She goes to get Simon, who is starting to worry about getting caught. Ruthie pouts, and Simon eventually gives in.

Mary is on the phone with Wilson, trying to arrange a date so that they can talk. Wilson tries to figure out what she wants to talk about, but she wants to talk in person. Wilson gets off the phone when his son drops dinner on the floor. He notes that nothing good ever started with "we need to talk". Then he tells his son that he loves him. His son cannot talk to return the sentiment.

Matt finishes his letter and answers the ringing phone. His friend needs a lift to get his car from a mechanic. Eric wanders by in time for Matt to ask for permission. Eric assents, but when Matt gets off the phone, he mentions that it's a two-hour drive. Eric chides him for not telling him that when Matt asked for permission. Matt takes off, before Eric makes him call his friend to get another ride. He also gives Matt $20. Because the plot requires Matt to be unreachable for several hours.

Eric sits at the desk, and finds Matt's letter. He then reads Matt's letter, which begins with "Dear Mrs. Matt Camden. " He makes a concerned face. Simon and Ruthie overhear him read the letter. Cue the wacky misunderstanding.

Eric paces with the letter in the kitchen. Annie comes home and Eric demands to know where they were. Laurie apologizes, assuming that everything is her fault. Lucy and Laurie head off to Lucy's room to finish their homework. Eric and Annie both start venting at the same time. Annie because she's upset at the way Laurie's mom treated her; Eric because he's upset that Matt is married. Annie wants to know more about the letter. He convinces her to read the letter. The letter is all about their "secret marriage". Annie and Eric are stunned.

Upstairs, Mary is explaining why she's upset that Matt told Heather that he loves her, but Wilson hasn't said it to Mary yet. Lucy condenses this saga for Laurie. She also manages to whine about how her life sucks. Mary is coming up with a plan to force Wilson to say that he loves her, even though she admits that she's not sure she loves him yet. When Lucy is the voice of reason in the room, you know things will end badly. They role-play a bit, with much giggling.

Simon and Ruthie discuss Matt's marriage. It's as interesting as it sounds.

Eric and Annie continue to worry about Matt's marriage, while making dinner. It's as interesting as it sounds. They wonder if Heather's mother knows, and decide to have her over for dessert. She conviently calls just as they're deciding this. They neglect to mention their alterior motives.

Lucy pops in to ask if Laurie can stay over, making me think this is a Friday night and wondering why Laurie couldn't have done her homework later in the weekend. But then we wouldn't have this sub-plot. Eric volunteers to go to her house and get some things for her after dinner. This give Annie a chance to ask him to spy on Laurie's family. Because based on part of one conversation, she knows that Laurie's mom's a raging bitch. Eric promises to try, but doubts his detective skills, because of Matt's marriage.

Night. Wilson is waiting for Mary. He mentions to Eric that Mary needs to talk. Eric is clueless as to the subject. Mary is overdressed for the poolhall. Wilson is nervous.

Annie brings Simon and Ruthie dessert so that they don't interrupt Heather's mom's visit. Ruthie wants to sneak down and listen. Simon is easily swayed.

Annie brings dessert to Lucy and Laurie. Laurie is polite. Annie teases them about not doing their homework, and Laurie stutters that they'll get back to it. Annie leaves, and Laurie asks Lucy if anyone's ever told her that they loved her. Lucy says not really, but does manage to bring up Jimmy Moon. URG! Laurie has never had a boyfriend, and uses this to segway into complaints about her home life.

Eric arrives at Laurie's house. Laurie's mom starts to explain about what happened at the store, but before she can get very her far, her mother comes along and berates her for opening the door to a stranger. And for letting Laurie stay the night with people she's never met. I know we're supposed to dislike her, but I think she's got some points. She delights me by rolling her eyes when Eric tries to assure it's all good because he's minister.

Mary and Wilson eat at the pool hall. She keeps hinting about the "I love you" thing. He tries to deflect it. Mary launches into a speech about how long they've been dating. Wilson tells her that he cares about her, but doesn't drop the L-word. Mary brings up Matt and Heather. Wilson is happy for them, but still doesn't drop the L-word.

Camden kitchen. Eric is ranting about how Laurie's grandmother treated Laurie's mother. Except I still think she was right about not letting Laurie stay with strangers. Blah, blah, blah, cycle of abuse. If we would ever see Laurie again or had seen her before, I might feel like caring.
Simon escorts Heather's mom into the kitchen. It's as interesting as it sounds.

They have coffee and dessert in the kitchen. They trade polite statements about how good Matt and Heather are for each other. Heather's mom gets that the Camdens have an agenda, and they drop the marriage bomb on her. She is shocked. Simon and Ruthie are eavesdropping at the top of the stairs.

Annie goes upstairs to check on the kids. She tells Simon and Ruthie to get to bed and kisses them good night. She tells them that she loves them. Simon and Ruthie decide to spy some more.

Annie goes to tell Lucy and Laurie good night. They are dancing in Lucy's
room. As Annie enters, Laurie apologizes and turns off the music. Annie assures her that she everything's fine. Lucy says that they are waiting to ask Mary about her date. Annie hugs Lucy good night and tells her that she loves her. She also hugs Laurie and tells her that she loves her. Which would freak me out if I was staying at friends house for the first time and had met her mother that day.

Laurie, however, tears up because Annie is the only person in the world whose ever told Laurie "I love you." Cause Laurie's mom sucks that much. They get distracted by Simon and Ruthie sneaking out of their room. Simon spills the beans on Matt's marriage. Lucy feels left out and everyone heads down to spy together.

Pool hall. Mary finally comes out and tells Wilson that she loves him. Wilson thanks her. This pisses her off greatly. He explains that he's not ready to say it. He talks a bit about commitment and his dead wife. Then his beeper goes off. He leaves to call home, so Matt can show up and fix Mary's life for her.

Wilson comes back and says that his son has a fever. Matt agrees to take Mary home, and Wilson promises to call her the next day. She's pleased that she hasn't ruined the relationship.

Matt and Mary discuss snooping and I love yous. It's as interesting as it sounds. He does start to tell about his marriage joke.

The adults sit awkwardly in the Camden's living room. The moms have moved from polite compliments to blaming the other's child for the situation. I'm not sure why no one's thought to contact Heather. Matt and Mary come home and the rents send Mary upstairs.

Eric confronts Matt about the letter. Matt calls Eric on his snooping, and then tells them that it was all a joke. The kids are all listening on the stairs. They all go to bed except Mary, because she's the only Camden left to snoop in the episode. Apologies all round.

The Camdens ask whether Matt is actually thinking about marriage. He tells them that he's not ready. Mary calls him on the fact that he gave her a different answer to that question earlier. Their parents obviously overhear, decide to talk with him the next day, and exchange I love yous.

Morning. Eric is hypocritically lecturing Simon and Ruthie about invading someone's privacy. They get to do all Matt's chores for the weekend. Which means it is Saturday, so I don't understand the urgency about Laurie's homework.

Eric and Matt discuss what Matt told Mary. Matt tells Eric that he will discuss it if it ever becomes a real possibility.

Laurie is ready to head home. Matt offers to drive her, but Eric insists on driving. Matt wants to know what's wrong with Laurie. He deduced that she has a problem because Eric is driving her home. Lucy tells him abut Laurie's mom. Matt tells Lucy that he loves her. Ruthie overhears and is jealous. She is not placated when Simon tells her that he loves her.

In the kitchen, Mary is not eating her blueberry pancakes. Which concerns Annie because of her zen grocery thing. They discuss the situation with Wilson. It's as interesting as it sounds.

Outside Laurie's house. Laurie spills her guts to the good reverend. She wants to tell her mom she loves her, but is worried about whether her mom will say it back. Eric haltingly gives her advice. Eric seems to be tearing up through the whole exchange. Weird.

They walk to the door. The grandmother is still awesomely rude to Eric. He points out that Laurie is safe and sound but the grandmother is skeptical. Because she lives in the real world.

Laurie's mom thanks the reverend. Laurie plucks up the guts to tell her mom that she loves her. And, lo and behold, her mother says it back. Eric watches from his van, near tears, like the creepy stalker he is.

Thoughts:

I'm torn about Laurie's mom. Because I know I'm supposed to hate her because she was angrily lecturing her daughter in public, but I really hate her because she thinks nothing of sending her 14-year-old daughter off with complete strangers for a whole evening.

I know I'm supposed to disapprove of the grandmother, but everything that comes out of her mouth is awesomely true.

So much could have been resolved with the Matt/Heather marriage subplot if any of the adults had used their heads for one second. 17-year-olds still need parental permission to marry.

Also, why contact Heather's mom before you talk to Matt?

So much snooping.

Dangerous Liaisons Part 2

Previouslies-- recapped here: Dangerous Liaisons Part 1

Night at the Cam-mansion. Matt and the rest of the kids sit in the living room, waiting for news about Mary. Nobody is talking until Simon thinks it's not fair that their parents wouldn't let them hang out at the hospital during Mary's surgery. Matt snaps at him and defends the parents which surprises Lucy. She accuses Matt of towing the party line. Which he will continue to do for years to come. His siblings tease him about being a rebel.

The phone interupts their conversation. It's Eric checking in. He tells Matt that Mary is still in surgery and encourages Matt to take them out for food. He also asks about Heather because there is always time to hassle your kids about their potential love interest. Eric tells him to take everyone to a new cafe. Matt asks if the cops know who hit Mary, but there's no word. Srgt. Michael's must be slacking.

Matt gets off the phone and orders his siblings into the car.
The doorbell rings. It's Jimmy Moon. Lucy tries to figure out a way to hide her hair before Simon lets him in, but fails. Jimmy came to see how Lucy was doing in light of Mary's accident, but gets distracted by her hair. She yells at him and runs off. He asks Simon is the hair is permenant, and Simon replies, "If we're totally lucky." I can't imagine what he means by that.

Hospital. Wilson cons a nurse into giving him an update on Mary by claiming to be her brother. Grandpa overhears this, but doesn't correct the nurse. He then teases Wilson about not buying his "grandpa" a birthday present last year, saying he likes the color blue. Weird. Mary is still in surgery.

Grandpa starts spouting platitudes about how tomorrow is another day, but catches himself, saying sarcastically, "I may break into song any minute." I really like the grandparents on this show.

Grandpa catches Eric to ask about any news. Eric doesn't have any. Grandpa asks about his daughter, but Eric isn't in the mood to moderate and suggests he ask her himself. Grandpa doesn't think this is a good idea, but takes Eric's advice anyway. He also reveals that Ginger is packing at their hotel.

Wilson offers to get Annie and Eric some food. Eric takes him up on this offer. Still no word on the driver. What could Srgt. Michael's be doing with his time?

Grandpa enters the waiting room, only to be berated by Annie for showing up. He tells Annie that he loves Mary, and wanted to know what was going on. Annie gets her bitch on and starts to confront him about moving on from her mom so quickly. He explains that he has been grieving and that he needed Ginger's support to step back into the world. He also takes her to task about her behavior towards Ginger. They are interrupted by Eric announcing that Mary is out of surgery. Annie starts out of the room and Grandpa asks her to at least let him know how she is. Annie pauses, but doesn't answer. Because she is just that bitchy. Eric kinda nods.

At the cafe. The rest of the Camdens are just getting their menus. It is unusually quiet. Because everyone in the resteraunt is using sign language. Lucy has apparently heard about the place and says it's run by people who are deaf. Apparently, Glen Oak has quite the deaf community, but no school for the deaf, which is the only reason I can think of that Heather goes to school in Pennsylvania. Matt notes that Eric is trying to teach him a lesson. Because even when his daughter's in surgery, RevCamden can find the time to help his son stalk girls. Simon finds this impressive instead of creepy. They worry about how they are going to order, and Matt suggests that they point at the menu.

Hospital. Mary is being wheeled to her room from surgery. She's still groggy. Eric and Annie talk to the doctor. He starts telling them about the damage to her knee. He's very positive about Mary's recovery. They go in to talk to Mary. Wilson chooses this moment to deliver the burgers, giving Mary the opportunity to say, "I hope the accident didn't scare your son." Wilson looks a little panicky, but the Camparents think she meant his little brother. Wilson doesn't correct them.

Annie blames herself for the accident, but Eric reassures her that it was nobody's fault.

Resteraunt. The kids are eating when Matt sees Heather come in. She pointedly ignores him. This causes his siblings to tease him, and Matt orders them to finish eating 'cause he's ready to leave. Considering that it looks like they've just been served, that could take awhile.

Hotel. Ginger is getting into a cab, and breaking up with Grandpa. Grandpa looks sad. I dislike Annie even more.

Resteraunt. Matt flags down the waiter to ask how to sign "I'm sorry." The waiter shows him, and his siblings tease him some more. Ruthie offers to show him some other signs from Sesame Street, but Matt isn't interested. He gets up to apologize to Heather. Her friends laugh at him. Ruthie runs over and signs that Matt loves Heather, which Heather finds endearing instead of creepy. Aww.

Morning. Lucy is freaking out about going to school as a blonde. Considering her hair looks much better here than in later seasons, I'm not sure what the problem is. Annie tries to assure her that it looks fine, but Lucy doesn't calm down until Matt tells her the hair is sexy. Ew. She is super pleased by this. Double ew. She then asks her dad if it looks sexy. Triple ew. He tells her it looks nice, and that if his thirteen year-old daughter had sexy hair he'd shave her head. This scene is wigging me out, so let's move on.

Eric reveals that Mary is coming home tomorrow, and everyone gets ready to head for school. Matt thanks him for the resteraunt reccommendation, wondering how he knew Heather would be there. Matt, you're dad is a creepy stalker who keeps tabs on the whole town. Eric claims to have guessed because it's the only resteraunt in town that serves deaf people apparently.

Hospital. Grandpa is visiting Mary. He wanted to check in on her before he went back to Phoenix. She asks about Ginger and is sorry to hear that they've split up. Mrs. Peacock also drops into visit, bringing fast food. She's flirty with Grandpa, and offers him a ride to the airport. Grandpa looks less than thrilled.

Middle school. Lucy is twirling, finally excited about her new hair. Jimmy is upset about the change, especially since she didn't talk to him about it first. Jimmy is giving off quite the controlling vibe here. He doesn't like blondes. He tells her to call him when it's washed out. She threatens to find someone who likes her as a blonde. Tense.

Cam-Mansion. Annie is doing laundry. Eric tries to talk to her about her father. Annie still has her bitch on, even after Eric tells her that Ginger left. He tries to encourage her to see things from her father's point of view, and notes that happily married people often remarry quickly after the death of their spouse. Annie assumes that Eric is telling her he will remarry quickly, but I have to assume that Eric will be so glad to be free of his shrewish wife, that he'll embrace the single life. She does seem to hear him when he suggests that her behavior could result in a severed relationship with her father.

Hotel. Grandpa has convinced Mrs. Peacock to let him take a cab to the airport. She encourages him to follow his heart instead of letting Annie dictate how he should run his life. She tells him a whole story about her daughter driving away a love interest. Grandpa looks thoughtful.
Hospital. Annie and Mary talk about Wilson. Mary has decided after one date that he might be the one. She's worried that Eric and Annie might have a problem with him. Annie can't imagine why they would, and Mary does not elect to tell her...

Because Wilson is in Eric's office explaining that Billy is his son. He does that thing where he starts talking about a "friend." It takes Eric awhile to figure this out. Turns out that Billy's mother, who Wilson did marry, died in childbirth. After Wilson is finished with his story, he asks Eric's permission to date Mary, promising that he's now committed to sex in the context of marriage. Eric doesn't give him an answer.

High school. Matt greets Heather with a kiss. They make a date. Michael Towner approaches and asks him how Mary is doing. He ends up revealing that he was driving the car, causing Matt to lose his temper. Which given the circumstances is fairly understandable. Michael tries to convince Matt to pick a place and time if Matt is going to get violent, but Matt can't wait and starts punching him on school grounds. Heather freaks out and drives off. A teacher rushes over to break up the fight, but Michael covers for Matt. After everyone disperses, Matt realizes Heather is gone.

Night. Annie is folding laundry when Ruthie comes in with the promise of a surprise. It's Grandpa. He and Annie finally talk it out. He also mentions the story Mrs. Peacock told him. After he leaves, Annie calls Mrs. Peacock to thank her, and to confirm that Mrs. Peacock doesn't have a daughter. Heh. When they hang up, Mrs. Peacock pronounces them all nuts. True that.

Hospital. Michael Towner brings Mary a teddy bear. Judging by his bruise, Matt really clocked him good. He confesses, and tells her that the Camdens decided not to press charges. If Eric didn't own Srgt. Michaels, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have a say in the matter. He apologizes, and Mary tells him that she thinks he's a jerk but that she doesn't hate him. Michael promises that he's going to change his life. He even apologizes for hasseling Wilson when the boy enters the room.

Wilson reveals that he told the Reverend about his son. Mary is worried about her mom's reaction. Probably 'cause she knows Annie is crazy.
Matt is waiting for Heather at the cafe. She seems to be standing him up. But then she shows up and tells him that they don't know each other very well. And that he scared her when he beat up Michael. She asks him to write to her at school to give them time to get to know each other. Then she leaves.

Cam-Mansion. Simon, Ruthie and Eric are listening to Lucy cry through her bedroom door. Eric gets ready to go talk to her, but Simon decides he wants to handle it, since he's the expert on her hair. Lucy tells him that Jimmy took her friend Ashley on a date, meaning they have broken up. Lucy is predicting that the next day is going to be the worst day of her life. Mind you, she says this the day after her sister nearly got killed in a car accident. Lucy, get some perspective.

Simon gives her a pep talk about how Jimmy Moon isn't good enough for her, reasoning that he's not enough like Eric. Weird. And ew. Lucy seems to feel better, and Simon signs that he's sorry.

Matt and Annie talk. She lectures him about resorting to violence, and demands that he quash rumors about Michael running over Mary on purpose. Annie also threatens to hunt him herself if Michael doesn't learn from the experience. I'd be worried if I were Michael.

Hospital. Mary is getting ready to leave. The doctor sets a follow-up appointment, and Mary makes a comment about getting back in the game. The doctor pulls Eric aside to mention that Mary might have a tough road to recovery. Eric takes this to indicate that she might not be ready to go home and yells at the doctor, without really giving him a chance to explain. The scene cuts away before we find out what the problem is.

Back at the house, Annie has a surprise for her father. She invited Ginger to Mary's homecoming party. Ginger enlists Grandpa's help with party decorations, noting that Simon pulled something blowing up balloons. The less said about that the better. Looks like everything's resolved on that front. Except that Annie stil looks pretty tense.

Matt asks if they can be late for school, and Annie says that everyone's taking the day off. She also mentions that Heather left a message and pretends to forget what the message was. Turns out that Heather is at the Camden's.

Heather is teaching Lucy some sign language. Matt comes in, and they kiss while Lucy looks on smiling.

Eric and Mary pull up to the house. She wants to know what the doctor said earlier. Basically, her knee injury might be extensive enough to prevent her from ever playing basketball again. They're both in near tears for most of the conversation. Mary expresses her determination to fully recover and breaks down in to full on tears. Eric encourages her, and is sure that she can do anything she sets her mind to. She doesn't want to tell the rest of the family just yet, and orders Eric to look happier.

There's a party set up in the backyard. Simon and Ruthie are prying into Grandpa and Ginger's relationship, seeming to push them towards marriage. Wilson asks Annie if she's heard about his situation. Annie tells him that he can visit Mary while she's recovering, giving the family time to get to know him. Surprisingly fair, coming from the Camdens.

Eric wheels Mary into the yard. Hugs all around. They start playing basketball. Wilson is pushing her wheelchair. Annie asks Eric what's wrong, so Eric tells her what the doctor said. Annie notes that Mary is already playing basketball.

They join the game, as the scene fades out, ending the first of many seasons.

Thoughts:

It's completely improbable that Michael Towner would be the driver of the car, but I guess this enables him to learn the lesson he didn't learn in the episode he spent harrassing Mary.

I still can't get over how rude Annie is to her father and Ginger.

The fight scene between Matt and Michael actually resembled the kind of fights people have in high school.

If I were Heather, I would find Matt's showing up at that resteraunt creepy instead of cute.

Also, I really don't understand why Jimmy Moon is so upset about Lucy's hair.

Or why Lucy is so excited when Matt says her hair is sexy. Or why Lucy is hoping her father will find it sexy. Ew, because it can't be said enough.

One season down. Ten to go.

Dangerous Liaisons Part 1

A warning: Annie is fricking crazy in this episode, so don't read further if you are faint-hearted.

The show opens with Annie frantically scrubbing the inside of the refrigerator with a tooth brush. Eric makes a joke, giving Annie an opportunity to run through all the chores she has her family doing. Eric quite patronizing throughout the scene. Annie exposits that she's nervous about her dad visiting since it's the first time he's come to Glen Oak since her mom died. Aww, now I feel bad for her. I'm sure it won't last though. Eric tries to reassure her. Annie realizes that neither she or Eric know what Simon and Ruthie are up to...

Cut to Simon and Ruthie in the bath together, trying to lure Happy into joining them. I don't want to think about that for very long. The parents come in and see the mess they've made. Annie flips out, and Eric makes and unappreciated joke about getting his bathing suit. He promises that he'll make sure the mess is taken care of. Eric mentions again why Annie is nervous as the kids get out of the tub. I am relieved to note they are wearing swimming suits, but it still seems weird that they were in there in the first place given their ages. Simon says he feels sorry for his grandfather, thinking he must be sad and alone.

Cut to Grandpa's flight. He's assuring a nervous woman named Ginger that his family will love her because he loves her. Ruh-Roh.

Back at the Camden's. Annie is frantically making sure everything is in it's proper place. She flips her shit when she finds toys under the couch. She yells at Mary, who tells her the vaccuum didn't fit under the couch. Ruthie wanders in to find out what's going on. Annie sends them to the park. Annie at least apologizes for her insanity, and tells them to be back in half an hour. Mary offers to help and Annie tells her to find a home for a real potato jammed with Mr. Potato Head pieces. As they leave, she finds his wife. I don't think it's very sanitary to have food under your couch like that.

Simon is desperately shoving things into his closet. Lucy comes in without him noticing just in time for him to pull out the Cosmo he's hiding there. Lucy demands that he give it to her because he's too young to be reading Cosmo. He points out that it's not like it's Playboy. I want to know what kind of ten-year old boy reads Cosmo. He correctly asserts that Lucy wants it for herself. Lucy looks quite pleased with herself.

At the airport. Matt tells Eric that Grandpa's flight was delayed. Eric tells him to call Annie, but neither of them has a quarter. Ah, the days when people used payphones and they only cost a quarter. Eric gives him a dollar to break and Matt heads to the phone. He asksa girl for change, but she ignores him completely. She turns around as she passes, but doesn't respond to his question. Eric laughs at him, because that's what strong father figures do.

In her room, Lucy is looking through the illicit Cosmo. She takes some time to look at the cover model, and then gets up to play with her hair in front of her mirror. Simon sneaks in behind her and she gets all self-righteous about it, even though she did the same thing not ten minutes ago. Simon calls her on it, and then suggests she use the sample rinse in the magazine to lighten her hair. I can't figure why he cares at all.

At the park. A boy playing with a baby asks Mary about the potato she's caring. She launches into a long explanation, and then realizes that it's not interesting. The boy agrees with her and introduces himself as Wilson, and the baby as Billy. Mary introduces herself and Ruthie. Ruthie plays cars with Billy, while Mary and Wilson flirt.

Lucy comes into the kitchen to ask Annie if she can dye her hair blonde. Annie is not in the mood to deal with such things at the moment. Simon comes in and asks Annie about Lucy's hair. Seriously, why does he care?
Park. Wilson and Mary are talking when Mary realizes that she's late getting home. Wilson asks her on a date, and she says she has to ask her parents. She gives him her phone number.

Eric rushes into the house in order to tell Annie that her father brought a guest with him. Annie's is too excited about seeing her father to listen. Grandpa comes in and Annie gives him a big hug. Then he introduces her to his girlfriend. Annie is visibly shocked and Matt looks terrified waiting for his mother to react.

Cut to the kitchen. Annie is serving lunch. Or at least announcing the buffet to everyone. She sounds pissed. Mary notes that Annie's acting weird, but Matt's more honest when he says she's freaking out. Annie is in a full on pout that she's failing to hide. Everyone sits down to eat. Eric says a blessing, including a line about peace and harmony, while Annie shoot daggers at Ginger with her eyes.

Ginger tries to give her a compliment about the soup, but Annie brats that it's her mother's recipe. Annie doesn't want to give Ginger the recipe.

Eric tries to change the subject to Matt's attempted pick up at the airport. Ruthie takes this opportunity to tell everyone that Mary gave her phone number to Wilson. Mary admits that he asked her out, but that she wasn't sure because of Grandpa's visit. Simon's response: "I'm sure it'd be okay, I mean Grandpa brought a date." Hee.

Grandpa suggests that Mary should go on her date, and reveals that he and Ginger are staying in a hotel. He invites Annie and Eric out for dinner. Annie is shocked that they'll be staying in a hotel. Ginger assures her they got a 2-for-1 deal through their travel club. Simon notes that this sounds like the two plan to do some travelling together, causing Annie to make one of her many faces of disdain. The kids show their approval, and Annie pouts some more.

Upstairs. Mary likes Ginger, but Lucy is supporting her mom on this one. Because Lucy will do anything to curry favor with her parents. Ruthie is agreeing with Mary. Wilson calls Mary, causing Lucy and Ruthie to make kissy noises. She throws a pillow at them.

Living Room. Simon is asking for all the details of how Grandpa and Ginger met. He's really quite oblivious to the general tension. Basically, this scene lets us know that they've been dating for three months. Simon wants to know if their getting married and they laugh at him. It is also noted that Ginger's kids don't like Grandpa. Finally, Grandpa changes the subject by asking about Happy.

Kitchen. Matt is scrubbing the stove, while Annie frenetically scrubs the sink. He asks if she's okay, and she say no. Eric rushes in, having taken out the trash, and asks what else he can do. Annie tells him to get Ginger on the next flight out of her father's life. Matt has the balls to suggest that Annie is being to tough on Ginger. Annie turns to glare at him while he continues to talk her up. Behind Annie, Eric is making "quit-it" gestures. Matt misinterprets and tries to back track, but the idea that Grandpa is having a fling doesn't sit well with Annie. Matt is about to dig himself in deeper, when Grandpa comes in to ask for a ride to their hotel. Annie brattily offers Matt the honor. Grandpa asks what they thought of Ginger, giving Annie the opportunity to sarcastically say that she's swell. Overly cheerful, Matt suggests they head out. Eric promises to make a dinner reservation.

He then makes the mistake of trying to comfort Annie. She just wants to vent, and unloads a torrent of questions that boil down to her feeling like her father is disrespecting her mother's memory by dating so soon. Eric tries to make a joke, but Annie yells at him.

Lucy chooses this opportunity to ask again about dying her hair. Annie replies that, "It is unforgivable." But I think she's still venting about her father. Eric distractedly gives her permisison, and she takes off smiling.

Annie decides to call the hotel to find out if they're staying in the same room. But she fails because she doesn't know Ginger's last name. She chews out the poor guy who answered the phone when he doesn't know if anyone named Ginger registered for a room. Eric suggestion that she try to relax is met with a "Bite me."

In Matt's car, Grandpa is assuring Ginger that Annie will come around once she gets to know her. They also happen to spot the girl Matt tried to talk to at the airport. Grandpa encourages him to knock on her door, thinking this is romantic instead of creepy.

Unfortunately for us, Matt takes the advice. He knocks on the door and word vomits to the girl's mother until she agrees to let him talk to her daughter. He assures her that he's not a stalker. Heh.

Heather's mom goes to get her. Matt starts to word-vomit again. Until he notices that Heather keeps glancing at her mother. He glances up and sees her mom signing the conversation. Because Heather is deaf. Matt asks her out. Her mother encourages her to get to know her neighbors. Maybe
Heather's mom should date Matt. He asks her to a party and she relents.

Night. Matt is trying to get Simon to teach him any sign language learned from Sesame Street. Simon is not being very helpful, so Matt threatens not to give him advice about girls when he gets older. Simon doesn't want Matt's advice because Matt can't usually get past a third date. Finally, Simon remembers the sign for turtle. Matt is not pleased.

Eric tries to convince Annie to come out to dinner with him and her father. She's not hungry. Eric asks if she's told her father, to which she replies, "Why should I? He didn't tell me he was tom-catting around with that woman." Seriously, Annie? Tom-catting?

Eric points out that she can't ignore her father for the whole visit. But Annie believes otherwise. She's making a lot of scary faces.

Wilson comes by to pick up Mary. Eric gives him a hard time, and Mary is embarrassed. Wilson gives Mary flowers, and chocolates for Ruthie. He plans to take Mary to the Pool Hall. Wilson lays on the responsibility charm, but Eric isn't sure he wants to let Mary go out with a stranger. Turns out that Eric knows Wilson's father. Wilson offers him a beeper number, which Eric takes, granting the kids permission to go out. Eric turns to find Ruthie already digging in to her chocolats.

Eric again tries to persuade Annie to deal with her father. Grandpa calls, and Eric tries to hedge. Grandpa goes on to describe exactly how Annie's reacting to the situation. Eric hangs up, and Annie announces that she doesn't want to talk about it. But Eric can't resist giving it one more go. Annie breaks down in tears and says she really hates Ginger.

Matt and Heather's date. He insists on openin the door for her, but it's kinda awkward. She's helpfully brought a notepad so that they can communicate. Matt turns on the radio, realizes his mistake and turns it back off. Heather turns it back on, and writes that he shoudl drive. They head out.

Pool Hall. Mary is kicking Wilson's butt at pinball, when Michael Towner approaches and gives them a bunch of crap. Wilson tries to take control of the situation, but Mary takes control herself. Wilson is not happy.

Lucy and Ruthie wander into Lucy's room. Lucy has a towel on her head, and Ruthie is complaining that only Annie should be blonde. Ruthie doesn't think that Jimmy Moon won't like the change. Simon thinks otherwise and continues to show way too much interest in Lucy's hair style. He hands her a hair-dryer.

Party. Matt and Heather are dancing. Everything is going well until Heather glances up and sees some fellow party-goers making fun of her. Heather runs off, and Matt makes idle threats. He follows Heather, but she just wants to go home.

Cam-Mansion. Ginger comes over to talk to Annie, but Annie doesn't want to. Eric invites her in to talk to him instead. Eric is optimistic about his ability to fix this. Ginger exposits about how much Charles means to her, but that she thinks it's too hard since no one in their families approves. Eric encourages them to stick it out.

Lucy comes down stairs, very blonde. Eric's not sure what to think, but Lucy is clearly upset. It doesn't look great, but it doesn't look nearly as bad as her hair in later seasons. She blames Eric for giving her permisison. He's not very helpful.

Annie is curled up in bed when Simon comes in. She tries to brush him off, but he's determined to talk. Simon shares some of the insight that Grandpa shared about Ginger's kids. Annie sympathizes with them.

Mary and Wilson return, fighting about how she handled the situation with Michael Towner. Matt comes up to ask about it. Mary stomps off. Matt offers to talk to her for Wilson, and then introduces himself. Wilson expresses doubts that there will be another date.

Inside, Simon begs Matt to compliment Lucy and Mary orders him not to lecture her. Lucy and Eric come in with ice cream and Matt tries to compliment her. He doesn't do a very good job, and Lucy plans on killing Simon before she goes to bed. Eric tries to explain the situation to Matt.
Eric asks about the date. Matt admits he doesn't know quite what happened. Eric reccommends that he invite Heather and her mother to church. Matt doesn't think church is the answer to every problem, but Eric thinks it's "possible that it is." Thus explaining subsequent seasons of the program.

Matt decides to take Eric's advice. Eric eavesdrops from the other room.
Church. Annie and Mary are greeting people. Wilson comes up, with Billy, and apologizes for the night before. Mary apologizes, too. Annie introduces herself and Wilson introduces Billy. She assumes that Billy is Wilson's little brother. Annie excuses herself, and Wilson takes the opportunity to tell Mary that Billy is his son. Mary doesn't look like she knows how to react.

As everyone is sitting down for the service, Grandpa and Ginger arrive. This causes Annie to flee the church. Mary exchanges significant looks with Eric, and then gets up to follow her.

Outside. Annie has crossed the street. Mary calls out to her and starts to follow. But forgets to look both ways, and is hit by a car, complete with squealing tire sound effects. The car drives off, as Annie scream. Everyone comes out of the church as Catherine Hicks tries to convey panic.

To Be Continued...

Thoughts:
Okay, I realize that not much time has passed since Grandma died, and that Grandpa maybe shouldn't have surprised his daughter, but wow, Annie was bitchy toward him and Ginger.

Also, if Grandpa knew how his daughter was going to react, why not give the family a heads up? Might give them time to get used to the idea.

Also, Simon, seriously, why do care what Lucy does with her hair? And why are you hiding Cosmo in your closet?

This episode marks both the beginning of Matt and Heather and the beginning of Wilson and Mary. Plotlines that will not be wrapped up until the sixth and eighth seasons. Joy.

The next episode is the season finale. I can't believe I've almost finished Season 1!

Brave New World

Night. Simon is giving Ruthie advice about her first day of pre-kindergarten. Mostly no crying and no picking. Ruthie is a little nervous. Annie seems sad to see her youngest old enough for school.

Matt wants to make sure that Mary turned down a date with some guy named Michael Towner. She did, but doesn't thinks it's Matt's business. Matt disagrees.

Eric and Lucy are dropping Lucy's friend off at her house. He wants to wait to make sure gets inside, but she tells him it's not necessary. They drive off, but turn around because Suzanne forgot her homework. They see Suzanne walking and call out to her. She tells Lucy that she was trying to catch up with their car to get her homework. I think Suzanne sucks at lying. Eric insists on driving her home, saying that she shouldn't be walking alone at night. Suzanne seems unhappy about this turn of events. Someone's got a secret.

Breakfast. Lucy asks her dad to check in to what's bothering Suzanne. He tells her that he can't butt into someone's life because they have a feeling something is wrong. Lucy points out that he does that all the time. Heh. He says he only helps people who ask for his help (not really true) and Lucy takes that to mean that her asking isn't enough. She storms off.

Ruthie isn't eating her cereal. Simon tries to give her advice about eating so she doesn't throw up. Ruthie just doesn't like the cereal.

Lucy's science class. Suzanne is late. She's wearing a shirt she borrowed the night before. They make jokes about their science teacher. Lucy takes the opportunity to ask Suzanne why her mom said she wasn't home yet when Lucy called last night. Suzanne says her mom is the kind of a flake who doesn't notice when her daughter is home. Lucy pretends to believe her.

Annie, Eric and Simon drop Ruthie off at her pre-kindergarten class. Simon offers to take her in for them. He heads to his own class. Annie gives him a kiss on the cheek. It leaves a giant mark. Annie, it's called blotting, learn it, love it, live it. You're lipstick should not leave that large a mark without smearing. Simon is horrified.

Ruthie's new teacher makes a comment about the last of the Camdens. If only that were true. Annie assures Ruthie that she will be back and gives her Eric's beeper number. Ruthie is decidedly unworried, and excited about modelling clay. Annie starts crying over the fact that her "last" child just started school. If only this the last of her offspring.

High school. Michael Towner slams Mary's locker on her. He's giving her crap because she turned him down. Her friend Cory tells her that there's something written about her on the guys bathroom. She suggests Mary get Matt to check it out, but Mary prefers to handle her own problems. She heads to the Men's room after the bell rings, where she finds this 'clever' remark: You'll always score with Mary Camden because she loves to go one on one. She's upset.

She hides in a stall when she hears someone else come in. It's Matt and a friend of his. They're talking about a Rave Party they attended over the weekend, and all the illicit things that happened there. Matt is unhappy about the comment and plans to do something about it. Whatever he has planned, I'm sure it won't be helpful.

Lucy and Jimmy Moon are hiding behind a bench in what is supposed to be the poor side of town. You can tell because there is graffiti on the bench and the apartments have dingy paint. They have followed Suzanne home from school. They go to look at the mailboxes and note that Suzanne's last name is on one of them. Lucy comes up with a convoluted explanation as to why this might be so, but it's clear Suzanne is poor and ashamed of it. Lucy feels bad about spying on her friend.

Mary blackmails Matt into signing her detention slip. She uses the Rave. Matt is upset that she was in the guys bathroom. She insists that she can handle her own problems. He's doubtful because of the current blackmail situation. He tells that this will only lead to "ugly recriminations and tears." Mary awesomely replies, "Only if you plan on crying."

Annie and Eric are reading an advisory from Ruthie's school. They are shocked by the many weapons that are prohibited in pre-kindergarten. Mostly that they have to make an effort to prohibit them in kindergarten, I think.

Simon asks to talk to Annie privately. He tells her in no uncertain terms that she can never kiss him in front of his friends again. He makes her promise. She agrees, but is near tears about it. His friends gave him a hard time about the kiss earlier. Ruthie comes in, and is surprised to learn that she has to go to school everyday. Ruthie is not pleased. She blames Simon and punches him. She notes that she learned that in school, and refuses to go back.

Lucy confesses her spying to her father and asks him to look into the situation. He's upset with her about it because it's not a safe neighborhood. She tries to tell her father that she was safe because Jimmy Moon knows accupressure point defense. Is that a real thing? She tries to demonstrate by touching Eric's temple, but he's skeptical. Lucy convinces Eric to get involved.

Eric goes to Suzanne's apartment the next day under the guise of dropping off a shirt. Suzanne's mother invites him in for a brief cup of coffee. He asks about Suzanne's lying regarding her address. Suzanne's mother reveals that her ex-husband isn't paying child support. Eric asks permission to talk to the ex-husband. He doesn't leave before Suzanne gets home from school and Suzanne runs off, upset that her secrets been discovered.

High school. Michael harrasses Mary some more. Her friends think she should let Matt take care of him. Mary decides to confront him herself, but he and his friends just laugh at her. Matt still wants to get involved, but Mary tells him to butt out. I love independent Mary.

Camden home. Ruthie tells her dad about how much she liked school. Annie is pleased to hear she's made a friend.

Lucy comes in and demands to talk to her dad. She bitches him out about embarrassing her friend. Her dad gets on her about her tone. He tells Annie he's going to check on a dead-beat dad.

Simon is trying to talk to Ruthie. She's ignoring him, because she's got a new best friend. Simon is not pleased. Ruthie tells him to talk to the hand, mirroring behavior she learned from Skylar. Simon demonstrates he's learning from Matt by butting into Ruthie's friendship. Annie doesn't pay attention to him.

Matt and Mary are fighting about whether he should get involved in the Michael Towner situation. They keep storming in and out of each others' rooms. She says she'll let him know how she's going to handle it "in her own way and in her own time." Matt says he won't stand for someone talking trash about his sister. Mary doesn't like his choice of words and tells him, "One guys warped ego is enough for me to deal with. I don't need yours too." Did I mention that I love independent Mary?

Matt calls out that he's sorry he's more bothered than her. But it's clear Mary is bothered because she curls up with a teddy bear in tears. Poor Mary.

At a used car dealership, Eric confronts Suzanne's father about not paying his child support. Suzanne's father is an ass, and doesn't want to pay child support because Suzanne took her mother's side.

Dinner. Everyone's picking at their food. Lucy is upset about Suzanne. Eric invites her out to play pool to cheer her up. For some reason, this works on Lucy. Mary asks to be excused, and Matt won't tell the parents about their fight. Matt tells them not to worry. Matt, I know I often tell you to butt out, but this might be something that you do want to discuss with your parents. Sure, Mary will still be mad at you, but it's probably more productive than whatever plan you have to take care of the guy.

Ruthie announces that she's not talking to Simon. No one cares, except Simon who is jealous of her friend.

Pool Hall. Eric and Lucy enjoy some father-daughter time. Suzanne's father is also there. He wants to know if the reverend is following him. Lucy is confused. Suzanne's dad challenges him to play for money. Lucy bets money on her dad. I wonder how this will end...

Eric enters his master bedroom to show Annie all the money he won off Suzanne's dad. Annie wants to know if he robbed a liquor store on the way home. He says it's a little overdue child support so that we know he was gambling for a good cause.

The next day. Eric is heading to give the money to Suzanne's mom. Suzanne's dad is already there, he wants to give the money to Suzanne himself. Suzanne's dad is upset about the neighborhood that his daughter is living in, and promises to catch up on his child support. Now that he's been proven right, Eric can pretend to apologize for overstepping his bounds.

Suzanne's dad knocks on the door and tells Suzanne he loves her. He promises to be more involved. Aww, Rev Camden succeeded where lawyers and judges had failed.

High school. Michael snaps Mary bra. Her friends tell her to ignore him. She's decided she not going to take it anymore and follows him into the men's room. So do her two friends and Matt. She confronts him and he suggests that Matt has shown up to fight her battle. Matt tells him she can handle her own business. Mary demands that he erase the comment about her. Michael knocks the pen out of his hand. When he goes to pick it up, saying that she can have her pen back as a "lovely parting gift," Mary shoves his head in the toilet and flushes. Go, Mary!

By now, quite a crowd has gathered to watch Michael's swirlee. Matt sticks up for Mary and they head out of the bathroom. And bump into the principal. She sends them both to detention and arranges to have a meeting with their parents after school.
Lucy's science class. Suzanne and Lucy make up. It's sweet.

Camden home. Lucy thanks Eric for helping Suzanne. Eric and Annie ask Matt to watch the kids while they go to the meeting about Mary. Simon is upset that Ruthie's friend is over. Annie busts Matt for not telling them about the harrassment and Matt says he had the situation under control-- he worries so the parents don't have to. Annie seems to be won over by this insanity.

Ruthie's friend is teaching her some karate moves. They seem to be having fun. This is more than Simon can stand. Matt stops him from interupting and gives him a pep talk about looking out for each other. Just then Skylar's sister shows up to pick him up. Simon is smitten.

Principal's office. Michael and his parents are waiting with the Camdens. Michael wants to file assault charges. The principal encourages Mary to file sexual harrassment charges. Michael is confused, so the principal explains that his behavior constituted harrassment. Michael's dad is not happy about the obvious special treatment. C'mon Mr. Towner, Mary's a Camden-- they always get special treatment.

Mary wants to let it go, but the principal lectures them about everything Michael's done in the last week. She tells him that if he harrasses anyone else, he will have no friend in the administration. If I was Michael's parents, I'd be really pissed about this obvious favoritism.

The principal then encourages Mary to speak up sooner if someone's giving her trouble. No punishment is giving, which seems weird. I'm pretty sure it's still against school policy to shove someone's head in a toilet for any reason.

Mary confesses her detention, and forgery. She gets grounded for the weekend. Eric also encourages her to speak up if someone is trying to destroy her self-esteem and dignity. She thanks him and wanders off. Eric suggests that they keep Ruthie at home for the next fifteen years. Like that's a healthy solution. Annie, however, is so excited about having her first nap in a while, that she decides Ruthie will continue to attend school. They discuss how long Ruthie will be in school as the episode closes.

Thoughts:

If the principal knew about the harrassment, why didn't she interfere earlier? I'm fairly certain school administrators don't have to wait for a complaint to correct someone's behavior.

Simon and Matt need to stop being so jealous about their sisters having lives outside of the family.

Matt also needs to realize that he really has no say in how Mary lives her life unless she's actually asking him for advice.

Also, even if it is pre-kindergarten, why is Ruthie starting school in February?

Something I do like about the earlier seasons is that Mary's independence is generally considered to be a positive trait, rather than a sign of her inherent evilness that it was in later seasons.

Plus, it was pretty awesome when she shoved that guys head in the toilet.

Seven is Enough

We open with the Camdens at the airport. Ruthie wants to know why they call the Grandfather 'Colonel.' Basically, it's because Eric is too afraid of his dad to call him anything else, even if Annie does try to sell her kids on some excuse about respecting his military career. None of the kids are happy about the impending visit. They are also really ungrateful about some candy that the grandparents always bring. Man, they are being seriously bratty about the people flying across the country to visit their whiny butts.

Cut to the Colonel and his wife, Ruth. They are so awesome. They can't believe the whole family came to pick them up. The Colonel compares them to wolves. Apparently, the grandparents don't think too much of the candy either, but since they think the kids love it, they keep bringing it with them. See, this is why you should be honest with people. Everyone fake smiles as they greet each other.

Back at the Camden mansion, Annie has rewired the entire house to use the Clapper. Which means that nothing works because Annie doesn't know what she's doing. Music starts blaring. Grandma passes out the candy; everyone goes on about so that the tradition nobody likes can continue for the next visit. Ruth gets a dig in about how long Matt's hair is. Heh.

Annie sends them upstairs to relax and unpack. They offer their condolensences about her mother's passing. About four months after she died. Maybe they were in touch earlier and wanted to express it again in person, but that's not how the scene reads. The Colonel decides to send Annie's father some steaks. Cool?

Eric sends his children off to hide from his parents. Who just traveled across the country to visit them. Nice.

In the master bedroom, the Colonel and Ruth start snarking on their grandkids. It'd seem kind of mean if they weren't so spot on. Lucy has already been boring them to death about Jimmy Moon. Ruth is worn out by their perkiness. Apparently they do approve of Annie and Mary. Ruth thinks they should try to come out more than once a year, but the Colonel points out that the candy is too expensive.

Matt, Lucy, Simon and Ruthie are hiding in the garage. Simon asks Matt for advice about how to survive the next seven days because he seems to be under the impression that the Colonel may kill them all. Matt suggests that they not show fear or make eye contact. With their grandparents. Eric joins them and tries to pretend he's not hiding from his father. Maybe the Colonel and Ruth should have just bought tickets for Mary and Annie to visit them.

Annie invites the grandparents on an outing to the hardware store. I'm going to assume they agree only to get away from the rest of the family because it sounds really boring to me. Lucy invites herself along, even though she hates the hardware store, so that she can spend time catching up with her grandparents. They are suitably horrified at the prospect of hearing any more about Jimmy Moon, and suggest that they visit later. Mary offers to go in order to give Lucy someone to talk to. They all head out.

Simon has entered a raffle and is fully expecting to win a Viper. Because he's that lucky. He tries to explain how awesome a Viper is to Ruthie, but she's as bored with this subplot as I am.

At the hardware store, Lucy is still boring her grandparents with stories about Jimmy Moon. I don't know how she possibly has anything more to say about him, but she keeps on talking. Mary threatens to tape her mouth shut, and Ruth laughs in spite of herself.
Annie notices that the cashier has a new necklace. Because she spends enough time at the hardware store to notice such things as staff accessorizing. Although, with the number trips to the hardware store that occur in this episode alone, it's possibly her second home. They were a gift from her son about a month ago, coinciding with the car-jacking episode. Lucy and Mary think they look a lot like Annie's rings. Annie doesn't think the rings are hers, but she's the only member of her hardware store shopping party who doesn't. Including the grandparents.

The Colonel comes into Eric's office for a chat. With a lit cigar. I think he did that just to annoy Eric. He wants to talk to Eric about all the potential problems his family is in for. And find out about what happened with Julie. He's not very sympathetic to Julie's problems.

He accuses Eric of being a dreamer, but having no grounding in reality. Heh. He lists all the problems of the Camden kids as he sees it. He thinks Matt's a rebel, which is amusingly off-base considering later seasons. But considering that in this season, he backed into a cop car and got arrested just last episode, the audience is probably supposed to agree with this assessment. He's also noticed that Lucy is crying out for attention. True. And that Simon and Ruthie are spoiled. Also true. Eric thinks he knows his kids better. Probably from spying on them.

The Colonel challenges Eric's observation skills by asking him how many people are in the room. Eric incorrectly says two, but the Colonel finds a little boy hiding behind the vestments. He introduces himself as George the Orphan.

Night at the Camdens'. Eric has somehow gotten permission to keep George for the weekend. We get some back story about his many foster homes. The Colonel thinks this might teach his grandkids some gratitude, which annoys Eric. Who was bitching about Lucy's lack of gratitude not more than two episodes ago. He slaps his head, which turns out the lights. Because the Clapper joke hasn't gotten old yet.

Simon and George are discussing the Viper. George doesn't think much of Simon's supernatural luck. The point of the scene is that they don't get along. And to facilitate another wacky Clapper mishap. The lights won't turn off, so George has to get up and turn them off. Wacky.

Ruthie asks Matt, as he's preparing a bed on the couch, if she can stay in the living room with him. She feels too sad around George because he's an orphan. Matt agrees to let her sleep on the couch.

Annie and Eric are trying to share Matt's twin bed. It's not working out. They discuss the possibility of adopting George. Apparently they'd always planned to adopt, but since they don't seem to have a working birth control method, they never got around to it. They decide to try to adopt George.

And Eric doesn't feel comfortable having sex while his parents are down the hall. Annie gives him crap about it, but if I recall, she didn't want to have sex when her parents were visiting either.

The Colonel is lying in bed, lighting up a cigar. He and Ruth flirt a bit before breaking out the five-card draw. They have a brief panic moment when someone knocks on the door, but it's none of their grandkids-- only George wanting in on the game. They let him play.

They start grilling him on what he's really doing there. Ruth knows that he saw the Camdens as an easy target for his adoption plan. George is not thrilled that they have so many kids. He then challenges the Colonel about whether he's seen any real action. Let the games begin.

Morning. The Camdens are having a family meeting in the garage. Annie and Eric tell the kids that they want to adopt George. The kids are not thrilled. They raise some fairly valid concerns about finances and the amount of time another child would take, which annoys the parents terribly.

The grandparents find George eating breakfast alone. He tells them about the family meeting, and is ready to stoically accept his fate. No, George, get out while you can! The Colonel and Ruth reasonably think Eric and Annie should not be adopting George.

Matt and Mary discuss the possibility of having more freedom if their parents are distracted by another child. Matt offers Mary an impromptue driving lesson. This will end well.

The Colonel and Ruth confront the Camdens about the idiocy of adding another kid to their family. Eric suggests that their involvement shouldn't really extend beyond the extra bag of candy. The Colonel is rightly insulted. He lays into his son about finances, which lets Eric make a snide comments about paying his own way in seminary. Which leads into a fight about how Eric thinks he had terrible parents and the Colonel defends his parenting choices. I love when Eric encounters someone who won't bend to his will. He just has no idea what to do in such situations.

Simon and Ruthie are playing in a cardboard car. Simon and George continue to not get along and Ruthie is just kind of there. George offers to teach them how to hotwire the Camdens car. This will end well.

Lucy tries to apologize for bugging her grandparents with her endless tales of Jimmy Moon, but gets tongue-tied and runs off. The grandparents are confused.

They ask Annie if they could borrow a car to go to the hardware store. Really? The hardware store? I wonder what is so fascinating about the Glen Oak hardware store that people visiting from New York state would want to make repeat visits. Lucy overhears this because Camdens can't help but eavesdrop. Eric is upset about lending his dad a car.

Matt and Mary return home upset. Mary scratched the van while crashing into a neighbor's mailbox. The Colonel and Ruth offer to drive Matt to a barber shop and make fun of his hair some more. Did I mention that I love them?

Annie finds Lucy crying in her closet. She's been trying to get close to her grandparents, but doesn't know how. Lucy, here's a hint, no one else cares about Jimmy Moon. Lucy also thinks they went to the hardware store to get Annie's rings back. That would actually make some kind of sense, I suppose. Annie and Eric panic at the possibility.

In the meantime, George has broken into their van with Simon and Ruthie. They all climb in. And promptly get caught by the rest of the family in their dash to head off the Colonel at the hardware store. George pulls an "I'm a poor orphan" face, and everyone gets sent to their room.

Eric leaves for the hardware store and Matt tries to prevent Annie from seeing the scratch.

Eric wanders around with a plunger, until he finally asks the cashier about seeing his parents. He asks her about the rings and offers to buy them off her. The cashier notes that Annie said the rings weren't hers, and that they have sentimental value to her. Eric leaves her with the plunger.

Turns out the Colonel and Ruth didn't go to the hardware store. Instead, they've gone to see George's social worker about the possibility of adopting him themselves. Heh. The case worker likes the idea, noting that the arrangements were easier when the governor calls ahead. The Camdens are quite connected.

Night. The Colonel and Ruth have brought dessert. Eric grills them about where they've been. The Colonel comes right out and tells them that they want to adopt George. Eric doesn't think his parents are loving or supportive. The Colonel defends his parenting choices. So much yelling. The Colonel suggests that Eric's opposition has more to do with spite than anything else, and storms out of the kitchen. Eric goes for a walk. George is proving himself adept at the important Camden skill of eavesdropping undetected.

Annie and Ruth talk it out. Ruth wants Annie's honest opinion. So Annie gives it to her. Basically, saying that they are distant, and slightly cruel. She thinks they're too tough on people. Ruth note that the Colonel would say only the weak see them as tough, which allows Annie to suggest that Patten was weaker than the Camden grandparents. Ruth responds, "Too late, don't try to kiss up now," and the women start laughing through their tears. Aww?

Ruth thanks her for being honest, so Annie asks her to make some attempt to connect with Lucy. Ruth promises to see what she can do.

Simon and Ruthie discuss the Viper and Simon's luck. He thinks George is a jinx.

In the master bedroom. George begs a packing Colonel and Ruth to take him with them. Good plan, kid. Get away from Eric and Annie while you can. The Colonel gives him a pep talk about how great a man Eric is. George really wants to go with them. Of course, Eric and Annie are listening at the door.

Parking lot of the closed hardware store. Matt confronts the cashier about the rings as she's locking up. He overshares about how scared he was when they got robbed, not realizing that confronting a women alone in a dark parking lot can be pretty frightening, too. She gives him the rings, probably realizing that if she keeps the rings, she will never be free of the Camdens.

Ruth comes into try to connect with Lucy. She gives her an old love letter from the Colonel, saying that Lucy's stories about Jimmy Moon suggest she is a person of 'great passion'. She asks that Lucy return the letter in the morning, and keep it a secret from the Colonel. Lucy is touched. Mary and Lucy read the letter together.

Morning. Matt returns Annie's rings, saying she can let the car-jacking go. Annie is touched, instead of upset that her family harrassed the cashier so much that she gave up a present from her son that may or may not have actually belonged to Annie.

The Colonel and Ruth are taking a taxi to the airport. Lucy returns the letter. George is in tears over having to stay with Eric and Annie. I feel for you, kid. Eric and Annie give the Colonel the adoption papers. They decided that George should be able to pick his family because the producers didn't want to pay for another regular cast member just yet.

Eric and his father agree to try to be more friendly with each other. It probably won't last.

They get ready to take George with them on the flight they're about to board. I hope there's an open seat.

There's a knock on the door. Turns out Simon did win the Viper. The family starts to go outside to check it out, giving Eric a chance to bust Mary and Matt for the impromptu driving lesson. Simon can't keep it because he isn't old enough to enter, but the Colonel intimidates the guy at the door into letting Eric drive it around the block.
The episode ends with Eric and Simon peeling out in a Viper, while Simon notes that George is now Eric's brother. Aww.

Thoughts:

Apparently, the Camdens have been trying to adopt random children since season one, but none of them managed to move in until season five.

I can't believe the family harrasses the cashier so much, including Matt's surprise visit in an empty parking lot. If the family really thought those were Annie's rings, shouldn't they have contacted the police?

I love the Colonel, if only because he is consistently telling Eric how messed up his family is and that it's basically all Eric's fault.

Lucy, I only want to tell you this one time, shut up about Jimmy Moon and develop some independent interests.

Simon, please never refer to yourself as Lucky Man ever again. Thank you.

Also, that has to be one of the quickest, easiest adoptions ever. Especially considering that it's crossing state lines.

What Will People Say?

Annie is picking up Matt and Mary at school. The other kids are already in the car. Mary makes Lucy sit in the back.

Eric and another women are in car outside a hotel. He talks her into going inside. His entire family drives by just in time to see them walk in together. Annie thinks it has something to do with the church, but Simon is suspicious. Is it possible the good reverend is being unfaithful to his wife?? No.

The hotel is pretty swanky. Eric checks in. The woman seems really nervous. They get to the room, and she reveals that her husband is abusive and Eric is helping her get away from him. He's fairly sympathetic. She refuses to go to a woman's shelter, which is why they're at a hotel. Eric's using his discretionary fund to pay for the hotel. She's not sure if she wants to leave him for good. Eric suggests she call her sister in New York, but she needs time to think. She insists that she doesn't want anyone else to know about her situation.

Camden house. Mary and Lucy are suspicious of their father. Matt thinks Mary shouldn't be talking to Lucy about the situation, because Matt is under the delusion that what his sisters talk about is any of his business. Matt doesn't want to talk about Eric and his non-affair. He wants to give Mary crap about the guy she's dating. He thinks Mary is getting to close to the boyfriend, which is really none of his business. Shut up Matt.

Simon is doodling a girl's name in a notebook while Happy struggles to get his attention. Annie pries, but Simon just wants to know if Eric is dating. Gee, it's good to know that the family has such faith in the reverend. One trip to a hotel, in the middle of the day, in broad daylight, and it's the affair of the century. Annie says she trusts him, but she doesn't sound sure.

Eric comes home. Simon pries, but he's not giving any answers.

Doorbell. It's Mary's new boyfriend, Richard, to play catch with Mary. Eric tries to deny permission, but Mary doesn't give him the chance.

Mary and Richard play football in the front yard. She doesn't want to kiss in public, and she's worried about grades. Richard doesn't care about grades. They flirt.

Simon asks Lucy for advice about love. Lucy babbles about Jimmy Moon. Simon looks confused, and wanders away. Heh.

Ruthie pries into Simon's life. He asks her about love at first sight. Ruthie is not that helpful, but then she is four. Simon's having fantasies about marrying the new girl in his class. Because it's never to early to pick one's future bride.

The family is talking about sports at dinner. Most of the kids are quoting things that their love interests or crushes said about it. Simon accidently mentions the girl in his class. Eric can't resist prying, but Ruthie turns it around on him and asks about the mysterious woman at the hotel. Eric doesn't answer.

Morning. Eric is explaining to Annie about his confidential counseling work. She seems a little suspicious. They have an akward conversation about when he'll be home for dinner and Annie looks concerned.

At a school cafeteria, Simon is smelling some girls hair. Creepy.

Eric and the woman are having a counseling session over coffee. She stil doesn't want to call her sister, and she hasn't decided whether she's going to leave him. He tells her that she's capable of taking care of herself and encourages her to leave.

Annie and Ruthie run into a neighbor, Mrs Beeker, while walking Happy. Annie clearly hates Mrs. Beeker. You can tell by her smile. Mrs. Beeker starts gossiping about the woman Eric's counseling. Annie tries to act like she's above gossip. Mrs. Beeker should sleep with one eye open.

Simon wants to give the girl whose hair he was smelling a love note. It is intercepted by the racist kid from episode five. Much mocking ensues. The girl is embarrassed.
Matt confronts his dad about the affair rumor. Apparently, the reverend's non-affair is being gossiped about all over the high school. Eric refuses to divulge confidential information.

Simon is trying to fake sick because he's too embarrased to go to school. Ruthie blows his cover. He's not talking. Annie gives him a mental health day. Aww.

Mary is waiting for Lucy to get dressed. She can't wait to see Richard. They have a study date that afternoon. Eric overhears the part where Mary says she and Richard are serious about each other. He pries, and Mary calls him out on sneaking around. Lucy is also upset about potential affair.

Annie acts super needy in the hallway. She wants Eric to come home for lunch, but he's made unspecified plans. Matt interupts to tell them that the asswipe husband is downstairs, and Eric wants Annie to keep everyone else upstairs while the two men talk. Annie agrees and looks concerned.

The asswipe asks if Eric is having an affair with his wife. Eric denies the affair. He tells the reverend about how his wife is always making up stories to trick guys into cheating with her. Eric suggests that the asswipe file for divorce. He doesn't believe in divorce. Eric suggests the guy get some counseling without calling him out on the abuse. The guy is clearly a creep.

Matt sees Mary's boyfriend buying something from another student in front of the school, and immediately accuses him of buying drugs. Yeah, Matt, drug deals always happen right in front of the school. The boyfriend just pays someone to type his papers. The boyfriend also assures Matt that Eric is not having an affair. So a near stranger has more confidence in the reverend's fidelity than his entire family. Nice.

Annie is vaccuuming when Mrs. Beeker drops by. She's a brave woman. She's brought a casserole, and some serious gossip about the reverend going to a hotel in the middle of the day. Annie rejects the casserole, even almost swearing. I hope Mrs. Beeker has a good lock on her door.

Evening. Mary and Richard are studying. Richard just wants to make out. Simon wants to watch. Ew. He's trying to make himself sick so he doesn't have to go to school again. Annie says he has to go back to school. Simon wants to know why Eric wasn't at dinner. This would be a lot more interesting if we didn't already know that he's not having an affair.

The hotel. Asswipe shows up and tries to trick the manager into telling him where his wife is. Eric follows him in. Matt is spying on Eric.

Eric confronts the husband. He leaves without finding his wife. Abby is still in her room.
Eric confronts Matt about spying on him. Basically, he criticises Matt's technique, but encourages him in the behavior because he was spying for a good cause-- looking after his mom. No wonder stalking each other became such a bonding activity. Eric is going to wait around to make sure the husband doesn't come back, but he sends Matt home. Matt tells him that Annie fed his dinner to the dog.

Richard wants to take a study break. Richard doesn't want to study. Mary is not tempted even when he offers to take her to a chick movie. She doesn't like chick movies. They start kissing just in time for Annie to walk in and ask to talk to her in the living room.
Mary's teacher called because she forgot to get a math test signed. Her grades have been going downhill for the past three weeks. Annie thinks it's because she's spending too much time with Richard. Mary thinks the class has gotten harder. Annie bans study dates and Mary goes to get her test.

Annie enters the kitchen and catches Richard having a really hard time reading. She gives him the name of a tutor. She keeps his illiteracy a secret from Mary, which is pretty cool of her. Richard leaves so that Mary can study.

Simon is trying to get his sister to give him a concussion. Man, he really doesn't want to go to school. Lucy gives him a pep talk about how some other kid probably did something embarrasing and that no one will even remember the incident, and he decides to go to school.

Eric tells Annie about the woman and her husband. He had the woman's permission, so he's not breaking his confidentiality agreement. Annie is not surprised when she thinks about it. And starts listing all the little signs that suddenly fit together. Though, to her credit, she didn't think Eric was having an affair.

Simon's school. The racist kid gives him a hard time, but then splits his pants, so Simon's off the hook. Simon lends him a shirt to tie around his waist.

Richard dumps Mary so he can focus on school for awhile. Mary takes it pretty well. Maybe she just wasn't that into him.

Everyone arrives home from school at the same time that Eric brings the woman he's been counseling to the house. Annie starts cleaning the table. The woman has decided to move to New York.

Her husband shows up. Annie has Matt call the police. Eric confronts him. They start fighting in the front yard. Eric tells the asswipe that if he follows his wife to New York, he'll have "a couple of friends who work outside the system. Bad people who turn good but occasionally slip up." Dude, I think the reverend just threatened to have this guy killed if he goes to New York. I'm pretty sure that's not how the church is supposed to work.

The cops show up and arrest the asswipe.

The Camden kids are all shocked to learn about the domestic violence. Eric tells them that the woman will be okay.

Annie is comforting her in the living room. They promise to help her through this. The whole family watches her cry as the episode closes.

Thoughts:

They handled the actual plotline dealing with domestic violence fairly well.

I wish the subplot had been less silly. If you're going to have everyone suspect an affair for the episode, you shouldn't reveal that there is no affair in the first five minutes of the episode.

Side note: I'm going on vacation for a week. But check back next Thursday for the episode where Annie and Matt get car jacked.

Saturday

Morning at the Camdens. Everyone is dressed in school colors. Lucy doesn't want her parents kissing in front of her friends. Eric takes the opportunity to tell Lucy not to be kissing boys. Geez, one track mind that man. Simon and Ruthie are trying to bring their own snacks to the game.

Matt reveals he's got a job, and will meet them at the game. He's tutoring a girl in English. His siblings show way too much interest in his personal life.

Mary comes in, and rolls her eyes at her family's encouragement. She asks them not to come to her game, and they are shocked. Mary you were so awesome two episodes ago, don't blow it now!

Lucy takes the disinvitation personally, and Mary explains that her family makes her nervous and distracted. Lucy's really worried about looking stupid in front of the friend she invited. They compare stories about feeling out of place.

Simon and Ruthie are whining about not going. Well, actually Simon is complaining and Ruthie is agreeing with him. They decide to play detective.

Eric is giving Matt crap about shaving. Eric is way too excited to be going to the store with Annie. Mary needs the restroom, and Eric and Matt start bombarding her with advice.

Lucy asks Annie to make Mary let her go to the game. Annie tells her she's baby-sitting instead. Lucy does not want to make her friend baby-sit her younger siblings. Lucy can't believe Annie is letting Eric grocery shop with her. She's really whiny in this scene. Annie responds to her torment with sarcasm.

Matt arrives at his tutoring job. The dad is way too excited to see him, and over shares about how many times the girl changed her outfit. Clearly, this girl is desparate.

Simon and Ruthie are playing detective. Ruthie isn't playing by Simon's rules.

Lucy's friend, Ahsley, shows up. She's played by Jackie from that 70s show. Ashley gives her crap about her outfit, and Lucy reveals that they're not going to the game. Ashley is a brat. She decides to hang out when Lucy promises they can call boys.

Eric and Annie leave for the store. As they leave, Simon and Ruthie are sitting outside, and Lucy is no where in sight. Way to make sure your kids are being looked after Camdens!

Simon and Ruthie decide to pretend the mailman is their criminal, and follow him as he delivers the mail. They take Happy and leave. Lucy doesn't notice.

Eric and Annie shop. Annie pretends she's not upset about Mary. She's not putting any of her produce in bags. That seems strange.

Simon and Ruthie are still following the mailman.

Annie is now venting about Mary. She admits to having been a constant support to Mary since she was seven years old. What happened during the first six years of Mary's life? No wonder she had a downward spiral in seasons 4-6! Eric diminishes his wife's feelings by making jokes.

They spot a boy who is clearly a troubled teen. Eric apparently got him into drug rehab a month ago. They watch him steal a watch. Eric follows him out of the store and interferes with the security guard who is busting him. The guard complies. Just what kind of connections does the reverend have in this town? Cops know when his kids are grounded. Security guards let shop lifters off. Weird. He makes the poor kid play pool with him. Shoulda taken your chances with the security guard, kid.

School. Mary and her team arrive. Mary reveals that she uninvited her family and her teammates give her a hardtime about it. She calls home to reinvite her family, but the line is busy.

Because Lucy and her friend are on the phone. Lucy is talking to Jimmy Moon, trying to find out if his friend likes Ashley. Jimmy, not knowing Ashley is on the phone, says his friend thinks she talks to much and is boring. Ashley storms out. Jimmy is confused.

Lucy finally realizes that Simon and Ruthie aren't home. Somewhere in Connecticut Kristy Thomas' head just exploded upon hearing of such terrible baby-sitting. Lucy leaves the house to look for them.

Billiard Club. Eric is on the phone with Annie. She's surprised that no one's home. They think the kids snuck to the game, so Annie goes to check. Eric and the kid play pool. Kid doesn't want to talk about rehab. Some other loser kid comes over to tell him about some drug deal. Eric busts the kid for skipping out of rehab. Apparently, he made some arrangement to keep the kid out of juvie if he completes a rehab program. Isn't that a better job for the kid's lawyer? The kid doesn't want Eric's help.

Simon and Ruthie are still following the mailman. They realize that they don't know where they are. Simon tries to figure out which way to go. Ruthie doubts his assurance that everything is fine.

Eric goes to talk to the kid's parents. They PSA about drug abuse for awhile. Eric starts to get paranoid about his own kids.

Matt is tutoring. She wants him to read Romeo's lines to help her better understand Shakespeare. Then she leaps on him, kissing him liek the desparate girl she is just in time for her father to walk in with snacks. She runs away, and her father wants to have a word. He gives Matt permission to date his daughter, saying she's as attractive as her mother. Matt quits, and the father's demeanor shifts to threatening as he fires Matt. These people are creepy.

Lucy is running around the neighborhood trying to find her younger siblings.

Mary's game. The pointguard, Cory, seems to have a problem with her.

Simon and Ruthie flag down a cop to help them get home. It's the first appearance of Sargent Michaels! He agrees to take the kids home.

Annie arrives at the game. Cory won't pass to Mary.

No one is home at the Camden's so Sargent Michaels takes them to game to see if the family is there.

Eric confronts the rehab-ditching kid in a bag alley. The kid says it's just pot. Apparently it is only pot, because Eric doesn't list any other drugs when he starts listing all the ways its ruined this kids life. All this trouble for pot? In 1996? The kid doesn't want anyone's help. Eric predicts that he won't survive long on the streets.

The game. Cory still won't pass Mary the ball. Matt shows up to watch the game. Annie gives Matt crap for losing his job.

Eric arrives at the school at the same time as Simon and Ruthie. They tell him about wandering off. They all decide to watch the end of the game. Now, I know Mary changed her mind, but her family doesn't know that. They're just blatantly disrespecting her request.
Cory finally passes Mary the ball and her team wins the game. Yea!

Lucy's home alone, worried about what happens when her parents find out she lost Simon and Ruthie. She doesn't seem to concerned about Simon and Ruthie. If kids I were baby-sitting were missing for that long, I'd have called the police.

The whole family arrives home, and Lucy is upset that she's the only Camden to have missed the game. She feels left out. And it's lectures for everyone. No punishments are distributed. Annie is annoyed. Apparently, their system is for Eric to punish the kids and Annie to be a haven of support. Seems like they'd do better as a united front. Annie sends him up to punish them.

Matt comes in and explains why he lost his job. Annie laughs at him, and orders Eric to punish him. Eric and Matt talk about drugs. Matt's not interested in drugs because apparently Eric shares the stories of drug addicts he's counseling with his kids. Um, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to keep that information confidential Reverend.

Eric asks Matt if he thinks any of the other kids might be interested in drugs. Matt rules out Mary because she's into sports. Not sure that holds true, Matt. A lot of kids on teams feel pressure to fit in with the team. Matt thinks Lucy is the only Camden at risk for drugs because she always feels left out. Eric decides to talk to her.

Mary and Lucy talk about the game. Lucy is feeling left out, especially after Eric reveals that everyone ate at Mary's game. He invites her out to dinner, and she offers to baby-sit every weekend for the next three weeks. Eric takes her up on it. If Lucy were my kid, I'd wait along time before letting her baby-sit again.

Matt helps Annie unpack the groceries she left on the counter before she headed to the basketball game. I hope it's nothing that required refrigeration. She reveals that Eric had a lot of trouble keeping a job when he was younger.

Eric comes up to punish Simon and Ruthie. Simon tries to get out of church as his punishment. Eric throws in an anti-drug PSA. His four year old daughter has a little trouble with the concept. They remain unpunished.

Annie gives the family dog an anti-drug PSA to make sure that the dog doesn't feel as left out as Lucy. I think she's lost her mind. Happy is smart enough not to eat Annie's cooking.

Eric is having trouble figuring out a punishment for Simon and Ruthie. Annie tries to get him fired up by telling him they lost his binoculars. Matt suggests Eric tell them the story about how he used them to watch sorority girls while he was in seminary. Yes, apparently the good reverend was a peeping tom while studying to do the Lord's work. Annie decides they don't need the binoculars back.

Eric and Lucy have dinner. She's talking his ear off and he looks bored, but he is listening. Lucy is surprised that he's actually listening. That's sad. None of Lucy's friends do drugs.

Mary made her mom popcorn to apologize about the univitation. The family is allowed at all future games.

Eric and Lucy return. Mary gets the same anti-drug PSA the rest of the Camden kids got.

Eric can't believe how boring his daughter is. That's just mean. Annie wants to "go to bed early," but the doorbell rings. It's the pothead from earlier. He's pretty banged up, and asks Eric to help him, validating the Reverend's nosy behavior for years to come.


Moral of the story: Drugs are bad, m'kay!